Preparing for FlexWork: Mindset

Having reasonable expectations and being confident about your choices will help you navigate life with a flexible job.

What not to do

I once overheard a part-time attorney mom oversharing with an older male attorney, presumably opposing counsel, as they waited for their hearing to be called in a courtroom. I got the impression they knew each other from other cases. However, it seemed the attorney mom was trying hard to validate herself. I think it backfired, and that made me sad.

They talked shop at first, but then the discussion turned personal. The attorney mom over-explained personal details without being prompted (including minute details about her family’s ski vacation and how she planned it). Judging by the male attorney’s single sentence responses, I could tell he didn’t really want to know all that.

I began to wonder why she was trying so hard. Was she trying to get his approval? Was she insecure about herself and felt that providing all the background information would justify her choices?

The attorney mom also offered a lot of information about her part-time schedule, saying that she left the office early each day and then completely detached from work and never took calls or checked emails.

At first, I thought how nice it must be to walk away from work each day without ever looking back. I’m able to do that often, but not as a hard-and-fast rule. Am I doing something wrong?  Then I wondered how the clients and firm felt about her rigid schedule and whether there is any resentment on the part of the other attorneys or staff after she leaves each day? Is keeping a rigid schedule really workable?

Let’s talk about it.

Accept that life is messy

If you expect to find a neat line between work and home as an attorney, you’re setting the bar too high. Sometimes work life gets in the way of home life, and sometimes it’s the other way around. (WHY did I agree to be junior high PTA President??).

Of course, you should set boundaries, but allowing for some occasional give-and-take will keep you from compromising the quality of client representation and will give you the flexibility to be present for important events in your child’s life. If you expect to work strictly set hours only, you may never find the job flexibility or satisfaction you seek.

An example of maintaining this balance is keeping your office hours most of the time. If an after-hours email, text or phone call is not urgent, don’t respond until the following day. If something comes up after hours and there’s an urgent need to respond, you can tell the other person when you will be available, like after 5:30 if that’s when your carpool duties are over and you won’t have any extra noises from the backseat! You don’t have to explain, just state when you will be available as a matter of fact. 

Resist the urge to over-explain yourself. It’s not necessary, and frankly, men don’t do it. If someone wants to schedule a phone conference when you are supposed to be at your kid’s field day, say you have a conflict or you already have an appointment at that time and request an alternative date. If you’re out for a day because your child is sick, you can catch up with clients the next day and simply say you were out of the office. You can tell the truth without sharing personal information.  

In the 15 years since I left partnership track, I can’t recall an instance when I’ve told a client that I work part-time. I’m not trying to hide anything, there has simply not been a need. I make myself available for communications, and I get the work done, like any lawyer would do. I just have fewer cases and assignments, which allows me to work reduced hours.

Having an open mind about your schedule will help you have reasonable expectations and paves the way for more success at work and at home.

Embrace your unique status & hold your head high

Working flexibly can put you in a category of your own. You’re not a full-time lawyer and you’re not a full-time stay-at-home-mom. Yet you will frequently be amid both. No one should judge others for their choices, but if you encounter negativity, stand tall.

Working flexibly does not make you less of a lawyer. Your relationship with clients and the quality of your work should be your badge of honor, not the quantity. You went to law school like they did, you took the same bar exam, you have the same license. You are a lawyer just the same as everyone else. The only distinction among lawyers is the amount of experience, and that’s something you earn over time. Ignore nonconstructive criticism and be confident.

At the same time, you are not less of a mother because you work. Working might make you less available than stay-at-home moms to volunteer or attend events during the school day, but having flexibility at work should enable you to be present for the events you choose. Don’t let others make you feel guilty that you work. No one has all the answers. No one is living the perfect balance. For all you know, they wish they worked like you do. Stay focused on the reasons you are doing what you do—those precious people in your life. I found that being a mom makes me a more confident lawyer, and being a lawyer makes me a better mom.

Words of wisdom

I’ll never forget what Shonda Rimes, creator of TV’s Grey’s Anatomy, said when giving a graduation speech at Dartmouth in 2014:

“Shonda, how do you do it all?

“The answer is this: I don’t.

“Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.

“If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids’ Halloween costumes, I’m probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby’s first swim lesson….If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other. That is the tradeoff. ….

“And yet. I want my daughters to see me and know me as a woman who works. I want that example set for them.…. In their world, mothers run companies. In their world, mothers own Thursday nights. In their world, mothers work. And I am a better mother for it. …. Because that woman is happy. That woman is fulfilled. That woman is whole. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who didn’t get to do this all day long. I wouldn’t want them to know the me who wasn’t doing.

“Lesson Number Three is that anyone who tells you they are doing it all perfectly is a liar.”

How does your mindset flex?

In your experience with trying to balance work and home life, have you found that being open and flexible helps? In what way?

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