No one has the mom gig all figured out. Not stay-at-home moms, not full-time law partner moms, and not moms in between. You are in a unique position to gauge what works for you and your family. So pick a lane, own it, and change lanes whenever you need!
Focus on your family’s needs
Taking a time-out or detour from a traditional law career is not failure and is not career-ending. Read that as many times as it takes for you to believe it. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise! There’s no shame in needing to make a change, and there is plenty of time to build a career. It’s what you and your family need that matters most.
Trying to compare yourself to other law moms is a fruitless exercise that will only cause confusion and paralysis. You don’t know anyone’s circumstance but your own. On the outside, a law partner mom may look like she has it all together, but you can’t know if she wrestles with her choices internally, you may not have access to the amount of help she relies on to make it work, or your spouse may be more capable than hers of being the main breadwinner. The stay-at-home former law mom may appear to have a perfect life, but you can’t know if she secretly wishes she had kept her foot in the door professionally, you may not realize her kids have needs that require special attention, or perhaps she has no help during her husband’s frequent travels. Add in any number of other factors, from personal preferences, aging parents, health issues, area of law practice, geographic limitations, etc., and you can see there are limitless variations that defy categorization.
As moms, we should celebrate and support one another in all the various ways we contribute. THANK YOU to the partner moms who are beating down the glass ceiling. THANK YOU to law moms working in flexible capacities who are designing new work models for future generations. THANK YOU to the SAHMs who are volunteering their time in our schools and communities. We need each other. Comparing ourselves is not constructive!
Your health matters
Your physical, mental and emotional health are extremely important to your family. Hard as it may be, take care of yourself. It enables you to be your best for those who love and depend on you. If your work situation is affecting your health, seek change.
I’m about to get personal here. I struggle with chronic anxiety. Before I got help, it was really ugly. It took many years for me to realize how stress and anxiety cause physical problems. In law school, stress triggered TMJ. As a nursing mother, stress caused my milk supply to dry up early. As the mother of toddlers, it turned me into an aggressive, yelling person. Stress continues to cause me to have odd skin conditions.
My husband faced his own mental health battles, and he was the first to get help. He gently convinced me I needed it, too. I asked him to write down his observations so I could take them to the doctor. I cried as I read that list because it was not the mother or wife I wanted to be.
With medical help, both western and eastern, I have been able to better regulate my symptoms and find constructive outlets. Symptoms ebb and flow with the rhythm of life, so I’ve learned to adjust my treatments accordingly. Now, my husband and I recognize symptoms in our daughters. As a family, we regularly discuss mental health issues so that our kids understand they are genetic, common and treatable in multiple ways.
Looking back, the problems I had with stress and anxiety formed a large part of why I got off partnership track as a young mom. The drying out of my milk supply at 8 months was an early sign. Soon after that, every day of trying to juggle the needs of a baby with the full-time demands of the firm became more and more miserable. By the time my daughter was 14 months old, my boiling pot was about to blow, and I needed relief. I was willing to quit if the firm didn’t agree to part-time, but I’m glad they did! I enjoyed working, and I loved spending more time with my toddler. When our second daughter came along, I decided to stay home for a while. Lo and behold, I was able to nurse her for 13 months. I was so amazed at the difference.
It frustrated me that I couldn’t do it all, like I thought I was “supposed” to do. However, I learned not to compare myself to the ideal in my head or to other moms because the change in pace was such a relief and made such a big difference to my family. My improved work situation made life better for all of us.
My kids are getting older, and (gulp!) in 5 short years, we’ll have an empty nest. I continue to work part-time because that’s what works for our family. The years flew by, and I have zero regrets about taking a detour. On the horizon, there will be opportunities to work more hours once the kids are in college, and the extra income would certainly be welcome during that season. I can see the chance in the future to write articles, teach seminars, become active in bar associations, take cases to trial, and even seek out partnership if I truly desire. God willing, I have many working years ahead of me to reach any goal I set.
If you put your health on the back burner and ignore your needs, you could be setting yourself up for disaster down the road. So, stay on top of those annual appointments, and pay attention to the symptoms your body is communicating. It’s important to everyone in your family circle.
Don’t discount your feelings
With or without health issues, your emotions and ambitions matter greatly to your family. If you feel constantly overwhelmed at work, you bring home less mental and physical energy, not to mention patience. Your kids may begin to have a negative association with work as well.
On the flip side, which I have also experienced, if you feel chronically underutilized and bored at work, you may bring home a sense of restlessness or you may over focus on issues at home that don’t need that level of attention. (Tip: Older kids don’t enjoy school lunch with mom the way little ones do – they just want you to drop off the hot lunch so they can go back to their friends!)
Your emotions and ambitions should factor in to any career decision you make. If you are content at work, your home life will be more content, too. No single solution is perfect, and the demands of any job can fluctuate, but if you can find a solution that fits most of the time, your family will benefit.
Why do you flex?
If you have detoured or departed from a traditional law career, what factored into your decision? If you are contemplating a change, what is causing you to consider it or what is holding you back? Do you have someone to be your sounding board?
FlexWork for Attorney Moms 
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